Okay, let me just get this out of the way and admit it right now. I watched She-Ra back when I was a wee lad. We’re talking the days when you actually had to be a girl to buy girl toys. When Teddy Ruxpin didn’t seem all that creepy. When there was an actual difference between buying “My Buddy” and buying “Kid Sister.” I know, ancient history, right? But that’s how it was back then.
And I know all those in the “My Buddy” crowd never would have been caught dead watching a girlie show like She-Ra, but dammit son… I did. And I had a reason! I was in it for the ‘man.’ The He-Man, to be precise. See, even back then, I was a fanatical little sumbitch, so seeing as how She-Ra was a direct spin-off of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, the prospect of a He-Man cameo every now and then was just too good to pass up. And I must say that the payoff did indeed come on many an occasion. The only problem was that “many an occasion” doesn’t exactly qualify as “always.” And on those days when Mr. “I wear pink pants whenever I’m not riding a big green cat” didn’t show up, there was quite a shameful display that I had endure in his stead. All y’all “Kid Sister” folks know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about Bow, aka (according to the marketing geniuses at Mattel) the “Special Friend Who Helps She-Ra.”
Now we all know what “Special Friend” really means here. It’s just that Mattel couldn’t get away with putting “She-Ra’s bitch” on the cover of their toy boxes. Sadly, we’ve all been Bow at one time or another in our lives. Bow was defined by one specific quality: According to legend, he had a secret crush on She-Ra (which she undoubtedly could smell like a used tampon a mile away). And if the whole “Special Friend” bit didn’t clue the kids in enough at the time, Bow even had a little heart worn at the center of his chest that would beat rapidly if She-Ra was in danger. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, try and recall that time you were in math class scoping out that hot chick and having to watch helplessly as she cheated off your test paper at 3:00 pm and went behind the bleachers with some jock douche at 5:00 the same day.
Anyway, you get my point here. Bow was just another average frustrated lame-o with no hope of tapping that Grayskull poon he so desperately sought after on a daily basis. So you can imagine my utter surprise when the latest Masters of the Universe figure turned up last week featuring a new and improved updated Bow figure! And, boy, is this dude jacked! Like a wolverine in heat, the guy’s just a beast! Here, have a look-see:
I mean, damn son, look at what they did to him! The accessories! The articulation! The whole “She-Ra will be bowing – er, I mean blowing me in no time” facial expression. This guy is no joke! So yeah, it took 25 years, but I’ve finally gained a modicum of respect for She-Ra’s whipping boy, er – “Special Friend.” And if you don’t mind me saying so, he could be my special friend anytime he wants! Wait, disregard that last sentence. Even Teddy Ruxpin couldn’t pull that one off. Still, though, he’s pretty cool now, so thank you, Mattel, for giving us fanboys a little molded-plastic payback for all those high school whores who only wanted our “special” calculus skills for the pop quiz. Bitches!
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