Thursday, June 30, 2011


"Clarity of thought before rashness of action." -- Shockwave, 1985
“Hmmm…. Can I afford that? Ah, f*ck it! Ring that s#!t up!” -- James Jacobs, 2011

Transformers: Dark of the Moon opens this week, and yes, I am without a doubt going to see it. I mean, besides the fact that it’s a Transformers movie, people (even though the last one was more disappointing than a comic-on without fangirls sporting extra sexy “outfits” – see my last post!), it apparently will also feature one of the coolest characters to ever grace the entire more-than-meets-the-eye mythos: Shockwave, yo!

Shockwave is a bit of a conflicted character if you look at him across the various formats of the Transformers. On the one hand, the animated series portrayed him as nothing more than Megatron’s bitch. On the other hand, voice actor Corey Burton, in spite of those constraints, gave us a uniquely cerebral and calculating personality that was, quite frankly, one of the most memorable aspects of the show.

It’s just too bad that Shockwave barely got any screen time.

In those rare times in which he was featured, however, Shockwave had a way of always rambling on about what was logical versus what wasn’t. Think of it this way. If he were a man, he’d be like “I don’t get it. She says she wants a bad boy. So I gave her a Dutch oven. And now she’s mad! That bitch is just illogical!”

He was basically the Spock of the Transformers universe. Very even-tempered. Not much ambition, other than to make Megatron a happy little Decepticon.

In the comic books, however, Shockwave was a lot more aggressive, often even attempting to take control of the Decepticons from Megatron himself! And unlike Starscream, he actually succeeded a few times.

He was the not-so-little Decepticon that could… every so often.

So yeah… while I loved the vocal performance behind Shockwave’s cartoon appearances, what I really enjoyed was the power hungry sumbitch we got to enjoy in the comics every month. It probably goes without saying, of course, but I had the toy when I was a kid. It also goes without saying that I bought a few more in recent years. Just because… you know… who needs a house and mortgage of their own, anyway? But as fun as the new purchases have been, nothing compares to how it was back in the day. In fact, I still remember how I got him when I was a kid. You see, every so often, I accompanied my enabler, err, my dad on one of his trips to the mechanic for a grease-and-oil change. And sometimes, right after these trips, if the mood was *just* right, he would take me to Toys ‘R Us, which was a rare treat since I usually went to Child World for my molded plastic and die-cast metal needs. Anyway, on one of these trips, I was walking past the Transformers aisle, and lo’ and behold, there he was: Shockwave in all of his malevolent glory! He was way bigger than any other Decepticon in my collection at the time, and it wasn’t often that my dad would allow me to get a Transformer of this size, so I knew I had to be my charming best to pull this one off. I can still remember the conversation to this day. It went something like this...

“Dad, look! Shockwave!! Cool!!! Gimme, gimme, gimme!”

“I don’t know son, this one’s a little expensive…”

“But, DAD! It’s SHOCKwave! Are you fucking kidding me?? This is awesome. Can I have it? Can I??”

“Hmm… well…”


“…wouldn’t you rather I just buy you a nice brand new Playboy? It’s got boobies.”

“But Dad, nothing’s cooler than Shockwave. He’s so logical! Please! Look, he’s not even a car, but I think his headlights are on.”

“You can find headlights on in Playboy, too…”

“What was that?”

“Ohhh… nothing. Fine. You can have this. Just promise me you won’t still be buying this stuff when you’re 36.”

“I promise!”

“Alright, now get outta here.”

…And that’s how it happened. Got the toy. Went straight home. Popped in some batteries. Played with the thing in robot AND laser gun form. Creamed over the cool laser gun sounds. I fricken loved it.

And I fricken love it to this day. In face, last night I had a dream that me and ol’ Shocky were sharing an ice cream cone on a warm summer afternoon. Then we hugged it out, bitch… Ari Gold-style. And, by the way, if you find any of this “shocking,” then “wave” goodbye to your fanboy status, cuz I know all you TRUE Transformer fans feel me! Word.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Wizard World Philly!

This past weekend, the annual Wizard World Philadelphia convention was held at the PA Convention Center. I decided to dress for the occasion. And when I say dress… well… as you’ll soon see, that’s more of an ironic statement. Let’s just say I brought the sexiness to the city of brotherly love. And there’s only one thing that always (and the Rock means *always*) goes well with sexiness: copies of the totally awesome, hilariously brilliant, stunningly insightful True Confessions of a Fanboy!! Yep, I had a few of those with me, and I got some great feedback as usual. As expected, my brother Johnny wanted no part of this nerd fest, so he kept his distance. For those who don’t know why, the free excerpt at pretty much says it all. Poor guy.

Anyway, for me, the highlight of this show in particular was chatting it up with my fellow fanboy brethren, posing for any and all photo requests, and pretty much making a complete spectacle of myself through the entire multi-day event. To say that my wardrobe received LOTS of attention is a huge understatement, thanks in part to a couple of… “interesting” new additions. I wore Handerpants (yes, underpants for your hands -- don’t ask) and flesh-colored dance tights, creating the look and feel of bare fanboy legs in all their glory. Looking back on it, I was kinda lucky I didn’t get thrown out of the place.

But what truly made my day was the reaction I received from the ladies. I really don’t know if I should be sharing this with some of you, for fear that you’ll resort to the same thing hoping to get similar enthusiastic female attention. So I’ll give a warning that the pendulum swings both ways. For as many positive reactions as I got, there were definitely a few negative, if not completely confused ones as well. On the one hand, you had an older lady who looked like she belonged in Sunday church scream, “Ohh LAWD, that ain’t right!” And on the other hand, you had a mother (with two children in tow, mind you) squealing, “Oh my God, you are the hottest thing here!” It didn’t stop there, mind you. There were also a few fellow spectacle-wearing hotties taking it even further with such priceless observations as: “I can see the tip!,” “One ball is hanging lower than the other!,” “Do you stuff?,” "nice love handles, sailor,” and my own personal favorite, “I love it!” Yup, it was obviously TMI, but who cares? In the end, this TRUE fanboy got all the attention he could crave for a weekend, along with some dirty looks from those girls’ boyfriends. But hey, all’s fair in love and indecent exposure, right?

What did I end up spending, you may be wondering? Shockingly, not very much. (Why hand over money when you can just throw away your dignity instead?) All kidding aside, I really didn’t have much time to shop, what with all the glad-handing I was doing with other attendees, so I only picked up a couple of items. It was a lot more fun interacting with the people, actually. (Don’t worry, I’ll be right back to my insane and senseless spending habits next time out.) And you know what? I think ‘dem sumbitches liked me, too!

Need proof? Click the link below, son!

Wizard Worls Philly Pics!