I can remember it like I was nine years old. Come to think of it… I was nine years old! And I was salivating in palpitating anticipation over the new Star Wars movie. The hype machine that Kenner (now Hasbro) Toys is still known for to this day was in full force, fresh with awkward kiddie commercials and mini-catalogs fiendishly inserted into their 1982 Star Wars toys. On display for all the world to see: the long-awaited title for the final installment of our beloved trilogy. It was gonna be called REVENGE of the Jedi and it was gonna be the nerdgasm of all our lifetimes combined! How freakin' cool to have a movie with the word "Revenge" in the title! For a simple New York kid, years from even being rejected by some hot thang sitting in the corner of calculus class, it would be a true rite of passage to witness this movie in all its glory. I mean, shit son, the rebels had just gotten their asses handed to them in Empire, and I don’t know about any of you, but I was straight up desperate for some wicked awesome REVENGE.
And then it happened. George happened. In the first of what would be COUNTLESS “creative” blunders, George Lucas decided that “seeks revenge not, the Jedi does.” Er, I mean “Jedi do not seek revenge.” It’s simply not “in their nature.” That sumbitch had to go all soft on us and change what could have truly been the greatest movie title of all time! And he changed it to, of all things, RETURN of the Jedi??!!
Is THAT what Jedi do? They “return” to stuff?? Oh wait, now I get it. Luke is the first Jedi in a looooong ass time. So he's returning, and with him, the entire Jedi way of life. Ha. Ah-ha-ha. Umm… yeah.
Fanboys and Fangirls the world over, I present to you: the neutering of a movie title! I was crushed. I felt so small… like a mere nine year old. Yeah, I know… I was one, but what I WANTED was to feel like a cool badass adult who wouldn’t need to be accompanied by my mommy and daddy to see a film about REVENGE. And this horrible disappointment didn’t even include the pain I would end up enduring through all the Ewoks, Boba Fetts falling down hungry vaginas, and Vaders being unmasked to reveal a hapless crusty old fart. Oh, and that god awful dance at the end. But I digress.
So it I lived with it. I lived with the pain. I lived with the anguish. I lived with the confusion, frustration, and befuddlement. I lived with it all!
But then… last week… the coolest show to ever be held prior to a San Diego Comic-Con. Toy Fair, baby. No, not that crappy magazine published by the now-defunct Wizard. Toy FAIR. Where nerds of all shapes and sizes convene to learn what is coming out this year from Hasbro, Mattel, and every other force in the plaything industry… including, of course, some of the reveals of those Con exclusives we all clamor for. Those impossible-to-obtain treasures that can only be owned by mortgaging the first-born that you probably won’t have anyway.
And the biggest reveal of them all this year: Hasbro has gone and undone George’s biggest “don’t” he ever did done. Their purchase of Kenner long completed, they announced the mother of all Star Wars exclusives. Now, after all of these years, hope springs anew: Here, have a look:
Revenge of the Jedi set!
There you have it, people. REVENGE of the Jedi. Emblazoned across a big freakin’ Death Star package, including multiple Revenge cardbacks inside. Just the way it always should have been. Just the way it oughtta be! And by Palpatine’s balls, it will be mine at any cost. So bye bye, tax refund. Sayonara, Christmas bonus I’m ten months from even seeing. Thanks for stopping by, hot lady who will let me drop $200 on an expensive lobster dinner with no chance of a happy ending later on.
Let it be known forever more… when it comes to this latest Lucas ploy, one that is actually cool for a change… I will *finally* have my REVENGE!
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