Sunday, May 15, 2011

Somebody Save ME…from Smallville

So regardless of whether or not you’re all about Superman, if you’re a TRUE fanboy, it’s a pretty safe bet you’re aware that Smallville is ending its ten-year run on Friday. Based on the mere notion that it was, in fact, based on some way, shape, or form on good ‘ol Supes, it must come as no surprise to learn that I used to watch this show religiously. But let’s be honest, homeboys and homegirls, this show was as close to being Superman as I want to be to Meredith Vieira’s crotch. I mean really. You can have all the ingredients in the world you want… you still have to bake the freaking cake. And ten years later, the dough has still yet to rise.

I had quite a case of denial about the whole thing, by the way. So much so that it took me literally eight entire seasons to finally throw in the towel and call it quits. Prompted by the anger and frustration that could only result from a show that called itself Smallville, all the while taking place in freakin’ METROPOLIS for a large chunk of the series, I had finally had enough. And really, if they were going to set Clark Kent up in Metropolis, and finally have him graduate out of the whole “fighting freaks-of-the-week on the Kent Farm” phase, it seemed only fair (and perfectly reasonable) that the dude would actually become Superman. I mean really. Here he was working for the Daily Planet. No cape. Here he was bumping uglies with Lois Lane. No flying. Here he was battling Doomsday for Peter Parker’s sake. No Man of Steel. The headlines were there, of course. But they didn’t read “Superman Saves the Day!” They didn’t read “Man of Steel Cops a Feel!” Oh no, we couldn’t have that now, could we. Instead, they read “Bum Saved by Mysterious Red-Blue Blur!” “The Blur to the Rescue Again.” “WHO IS The Red Blue Blur!?” Really, what nonsense.

All the Blur basically amounted to was Clark Kent rocking a black jacket and black shirt with the white-colored ‘S’ symbol, only to finally be upgraded this past season to a red leather jacket with the ‘S’ symbol embedded in the leather! At least when he was still on Ma and Pa Kent’s farm sporting a blue jacket-red shirt-blue jeans ensemble, he had an excuse. He was busy shucking corn all day. He couldn’t pull that off in a cape. But now that he’s been out on his own for, I don’t know… like, five seasons already, it seems perfectly sensible to me that this dude would get started on branding his image without any more senseless delay! And that's to say nothing of all the other countless plot holes and ridiculous story twists that we've been forced to deal with since 2001.

I could go on, but what’s the point? Bottom line, I am a fanboy who finds a Superman show BORING. And it’s just something I’m going to have to deal with for another two days or so. But even with all of that said, I will tune in for the finale. Why? Well, I can wax poetic about being curious if they finally show him flying or if they finally have him marrying Lois or if we finally get to see him full on in red/blue tights. But really, it’s because, dammit, this is my way of life. Somebody save me.

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