Okay, so for those of you out there who have been lucky enough to read my book, True Confessions of a Fanboy, you’re probably already aware of my curious obsession with flocked toys. And for those cheapos who couldn’t even plunk down a few measly bucks for it because you’re busy saving up for Hitch on BlueRay, thinking that you might actually learn something about girls (you won’t), allow me to illuminate all you suckas.
Put simply, flocking is a process by which life-like hair or fur is applied to a figure, offering a more realistic play value unparalleled by most industry standards. It’s kind of like what The Jersey Shore is to all those dumb teenagers these days. They don’t know exactly why they think it’s cool; they just do. Only, unlike the whole “Gym Tanning Laundry” lifestyle all of those crazy kids are talking about, flocked toys actually ARE cool! Take those classic G.I. Joe Adventure Team toys, for example. My obsession with flocked figures actually stems from the fact that those figures have such wickedly awesome life-like hair and beards—making them a hell of a lot more manly than I could ever hope to be. And, to me, anything more manly than I am is usually the perfect recipe for awesomeness.
Now since spending money is always better than actually having it, I’ve recently taken to collecting those high-priced 12-inchers from Sideshow Collectibles. But the thing of it is, I’ve always been able to rationalize these huge purchases by constraining myself to their G.I. Joe offerings only. And, as any of you TRUE fanboys out there know full well, it’s our ability as fanboys to rationalize (or ‘rational lies’) our expenses that keeps us in the game so long, delightfully buried in our own denial.
So with all of my rational lies on the line, what, pray tell, do you think was finally able to drive me to the dark side? Ladies and losers, I present to you… Sideshow’s Gamorrean Guard:
Order the Gamorrean Guard!
No, you’re not seeing things—that’s a fully-flocked belly/ass combination, yo. Did you just hear what I said?? A flocked belly AND ass, people! One hundred percent, unadulterated, Grade-A quality, scruffy-luscious, bitch-you-better-wax-that-thang, furfest extravaganza… and all on places where it just shouldn’t be. Forbidden flock, if you will. And that, my friend, is cooler than Wonder Woman’s bush on a breezy February morning. Speaking of Wonder Woman, and women in general… you know how a real man would have just the best time rubbing his face in a nice pair of extra perky boobies? Well, not me. Not this day. Me, I’ll take a nice fat face-full of that furry belly/ass flocking any day of the week and twice on Sundays.
So go out and get yourself this awesome piece for your 12” collection. And get me some help while you’re at it.