An Ultimate Work of Art

You know…I can actually remember a time when the only thing that mattered about my toys was whether or not I actually enjoyed playing with them.  Those were the days indeed…the days when it wasn’t about the cool paint job.  Or the unique sculpt.  Or the variant version that put a left hand where the right one should be.  Or any of that nonsense.  I can actually remember that time in my life! Then again, I can also recall the days when my appearance in front of the opposite sex was actually a huge concern of mine.  Man, those were good times.

But while I don’t care all that much about how I look these days (roaming the halls of most comic book conventions in nothing but tighty-whities tends to easily communicate that, I’m sure), I unfortunately can’t say the same thing about the toys I collect.  There’s no way around it – it’s different now.

So nobody should be surprised to hear me say that it can be a really stressful thing when you’re walking the aisles of Toys “R” Us, desperately looking for a reason to fork over some more cash to the big giraffe, and half the stock on the shelves just doesn’t meet the refined standards of a collector of my caliber.  It’s not about the kung-fu grip anymore.  Or the swivel waist action.  Or the way Zartan turns green-blue in sunlight (okay, that’s still pretty awesome, but I digress).  I mean, with the kind of history I have in the hobby, what else would you expect?  You’re talking about someone who’s purchased so many G.I. Joe flocked hair throwbacks that I half expect my next Wonder Woman action figure to have a flocked va-jayjay.  And I’m left to wonder…will nothing come out this week to give me my long overdue nerdgasm?  

Enter the Defining Moments Ultimate Warrior action figure from Mattel.

Yeah, you heard me right.  The Ultimate Warrior.  That incoherent whackjob who spent the better part of the late ‘80s and early ‘90s running to wrestling rings in face-paint, arm streamers, and multi-colored title belts.  The guy whose first move when reaching said ring was to wig out completely, snarling loudly at opponents and shaking defenseless ring ropes.  The lunatic who just up and dominated the entire WWF (now the WWE – stupid World Wide Fund) and even took out the big cheese himself, Hulk Hogan, in a dramatic title-for-title match at Wrestlemania VI. 

The guy was just out of his mind, and quite honestly, had no place in normal society (yeah, this is ME saying that!).  Most of his promos consisted of things like “Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel!” and “When the moon is blood red and the planets from the grimlock system converge…battling in the sheets of the wind…then I will…prevailllll!!”

But even with all of that silliness up against them, Mattel managed to rise to the occasion and make something truly awesome with the Warrior’s name attached to it.  Here, take a look:

Ultimate Warrior review

I mean, look at this thing!  Those tights.  Those knee pads.  That fine coat!  Yeah, I realize that reading that last sentence, it would probably be more appropriate had I been describing some hot thang I saw across the bar this past weekend.  But with everything I just described, to say nothing of the things I haven’t even gone into (like the paint job and printed graphics – and NO, I’m not talking about NASCAR now!), why would I even go out on a weekend??

So even if you still do date, take my advice on this one.  Buy it.  Display it.  Invite people over for a viewing.  And make sure you’re wearing a smoking jacket-with-pipe-Hugh Hefner ensemble while you’re doing it.  Because fine art like this doesn’t come along all that often.  Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel!!!