Hi, I’m James Jacobs…and I’m a Child-Man

With no end in sight to books examining the various sociological issues which pertain to men, women, and children, it’s become very clear to me that I’m one of the people some of those so-called “experts” are writing about. Hell, I myself am apparently an expert, having written my own look at the hopelessly obsessive collector…and it’s an autobiography! But I must say that I was especially interested in this article that I came across over the weekend:

Manning Up

So yes, people…there is indeed a child-man. And according to many, he’s wasting his 20s and 30s living in a fanboy’s paradise (and contributing nothing to the world as a whole). Now honestly, I call bullshit on this whole “rise of women resulting in a generation of men who act like overgrown kids” notion. Granted, as a TRUE fanboy my interaction with women ain’t exactly the most thorough of experiences, but dammit people, I did this to myself. Period. And so did you.

What really led to this fanboy lifestyle was a youth dominated by slick marketing, infusing colorful toy packaging, catchy and addicting commercials, a ‘you gotta have this!’ message drilled into me on a daily basis, and vibrant comic book stories the likes of which no nerd had every before seen! THAT’S why I am who I am. Not the fact that a woman knows how to brush her pretty teeth better than a man does.

So let’s just be honest—we fanboys have done made our own beds here. And I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty fine with laying in it now. I just need a little extra counseling and at least 50 single bills for every bachelor party I attend…

I Like Flocked Butts, and I Cannot Lie…

Okay, so for those of you out there who have been lucky enough to read my book, True Confessions of a Fanboy, you’re probably already aware of my curious obsession with flocked toys.  And for those cheapos who couldn’t even plunk down a few measly bucks for it because you’re busy saving up for Hitch on BlueRay, thinking that you might actually learn something about girls (you won’t), allow me to illuminate all you suckas. 

Put simply, flocking is a process by which life-like hair or fur is applied to a figure, offering a more realistic play value unparalleled by most industry standards.  It’s kind of like what The Jersey Shore is to all those dumb teenagers these days.  They don’t know exactly why they think it’s cool; they just do.  Only, unlike the whole “Gym Tanning Laundry” lifestyle all of those crazy kids are talking about, flocked toys actually ARE cool!  Take those classic G.I. Joe Adventure Team toys, for example.  My obsession with flocked figures actually stems from the fact that those figures have such wickedly awesome life-like hair and beards—making them a hell of a lot more manly than I could ever hope to be.  And, to me, anything more manly than I am is usually the perfect recipe for awesomeness.

Now since spending money is always better than actually having it, I’ve recently taken to collecting those high-priced 12-inchers from Sideshow Collectibles.  But the thing of it is, I’ve always been able to rationalize these huge purchases by constraining myself to their G.I. Joe offerings only.  And, as any of you TRUE fanboys out there know full well, it’s our ability as fanboys to rationalize (or ‘rational lies’) our expenses that keeps us in the game so long, delightfully buried in our own denial.

So with all of my rational lies on the line, what, pray tell, do you think was finally able to drive me to the dark side?  Ladies and losers, I present to you… Sideshow’s Gamorrean Guard:

Order the Gamorrean Guard!

No, you’re not seeing things—that’s a fully-flocked belly/ass combination, yo.  Did you just hear what I said??  A flocked belly AND ass, people!  One hundred percent, unadulterated, Grade-A quality, scruffy-luscious, bitch-you-better-wax-that-thang, furfest extravaganza… and all on places where it just shouldn’t be.  Forbidden flock, if you will.  And that, my friend, is cooler than Wonder Woman’s bush on a breezy February morning.  Speaking of Wonder Woman, and women in general… you know how a real man would have just the best time rubbing his face in a nice pair of extra perky boobies?  Well, not me.  Not this day.  Me, I’ll take a nice fat face-full of that furry belly/ass flocking any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

So go out and get yourself this awesome piece for your 12” collection.  And get me some help while you’re at it.

An Ultimate Work of Art

You know…I can actually remember a time when the only thing that mattered about my toys was whether or not I actually enjoyed playing with them.  Those were the days indeed…the days when it wasn’t about the cool paint job.  Or the unique sculpt.  Or the variant version that put a left hand where the right one should be.  Or any of that nonsense.  I can actually remember that time in my life! Then again, I can also recall the days when my appearance in front of the opposite sex was actually a huge concern of mine.  Man, those were good times.

But while I don’t care all that much about how I look these days (roaming the halls of most comic book conventions in nothing but tighty-whities tends to easily communicate that, I’m sure), I unfortunately can’t say the same thing about the toys I collect.  There’s no way around it – it’s different now.

So nobody should be surprised to hear me say that it can be a really stressful thing when you’re walking the aisles of Toys “R” Us, desperately looking for a reason to fork over some more cash to the big giraffe, and half the stock on the shelves just doesn’t meet the refined standards of a collector of my caliber.  It’s not about the kung-fu grip anymore.  Or the swivel waist action.  Or the way Zartan turns green-blue in sunlight (okay, that’s still pretty awesome, but I digress).  I mean, with the kind of history I have in the hobby, what else would you expect?  You’re talking about someone who’s purchased so many G.I. Joe flocked hair throwbacks that I half expect my next Wonder Woman action figure to have a flocked va-jayjay.  And I’m left to wonder…will nothing come out this week to give me my long overdue nerdgasm?  

Enter the Defining Moments Ultimate Warrior action figure from Mattel.

Yeah, you heard me right.  The Ultimate Warrior.  That incoherent whackjob who spent the better part of the late ‘80s and early ‘90s running to wrestling rings in face-paint, arm streamers, and multi-colored title belts.  The guy whose first move when reaching said ring was to wig out completely, snarling loudly at opponents and shaking defenseless ring ropes.  The lunatic who just up and dominated the entire WWF (now the WWE – stupid World Wide Fund) and even took out the big cheese himself, Hulk Hogan, in a dramatic title-for-title match at Wrestlemania VI. 

The guy was just out of his mind, and quite honestly, had no place in normal society (yeah, this is ME saying that!).  Most of his promos consisted of things like “Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel!” and “When the moon is blood red and the planets from the grimlock system converge…battling in the sheets of the wind…then I will…prevailllll!!”

But even with all of that silliness up against them, Mattel managed to rise to the occasion and make something truly awesome with the Warrior’s name attached to it.  Here, take a look:

Ultimate Warrior review

I mean, look at this thing!  Those tights.  Those knee pads.  That fine coat!  Yeah, I realize that reading that last sentence, it would probably be more appropriate had I been describing some hot thang I saw across the bar this past weekend.  But with everything I just described, to say nothing of the things I haven’t even gone into (like the paint job and printed graphics – and NO, I’m not talking about NASCAR now!), why would I even go out on a weekend??

So even if you still do date, take my advice on this one.  Buy it.  Display it.  Invite people over for a viewing.  And make sure you’re wearing a smoking jacket-with-pipe-Hugh Hefner ensemble while you’re doing it.  Because fine art like this doesn’t come along all that often.  Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel!!!